When our oldest son, Chase, passed away, for the most part, my husband and I were at a loss for words. There were long speechless moments, mindless tasks and ugly cries. But when it came time to figure out what we were going to say at our son’s service, we knew what we wanted to say. Thank you. You can read the full thank you letter here.
The letter is saved on our computer, but it’s not exactly a read I think about going to when I’m looking for a short escape. Well, after a few years, I actually found myself wanting to reread it. I was a little nervous, which is why I think I’d avoided it for so long. Were the words still going to hold true? Or my worst fear, would I feel like I left something out? Like forgetting to thank my family after winning an Oscar. Or leaving out the “What is…” after betting it all on Jeopardy. To my surprise, my mind was instantly put at ease. It is…still perfect. It’s perfect for two reasons.
I could never regret thanking my son or appreciating the time we did have together. Yes, I have days where all I feel is that I got robbed. Seriously robbed. But I was the lucky one for those precious six months (of course longer when you factor in the time he kicked it in my belly). And this letter wasn’t about me. It was about what my son gave to me for the time we were together. As parents we want to protect our children. When they’re hesitant or nervous or scared, we comfort them and tell them everything is going to be okay. Even when we don’t know if that’s true. Well this was my way of telling my son everything was going to be okay. Excuse me while I take a timeout for one of those ugly cries I mentioned earlier. I felt that if Chase was listening that day, I didn’t want him to worry about Mom and Dad. This wasn’t his fault, we weren’t going to be scared and that it was okay for him to make new friends. Which leads me to the second reason this letter is still perfect in my eyes.
Chase was with us that day and he is still with us. Ok, I’m not super religious, but I feel him. Our life has been blessed by so many different things since he’s been gone and I strongly feel that he’s playing a gigantic part in all of it. He’s still in our lives, so I don’t have to regret not saying something on that day. I can still talk to him whenever I want. And I’m continuing to show him how thankful I am to be his mom. On tough days, I’m still managing to put one foot in front of the other. And on great days, he can see me smile and laugh and know that I’m a mom of my word. Yup, everything is going to be okay, even when I don’t know if it is.
He’s the reason I have strength. The reason my husband and I continue to strive for better. The reason we have two beautiful rainbows. The reason I love a little more, even when I didn’t know that was possible. So yes, thank you is still perfect. I’ve just added a few more to the list.